If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
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Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
It be like that sometimes 😆
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air