*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
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[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
twitter users today:
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.