[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
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Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
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I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Don’t we all.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist