Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
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Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
what are they serving at kfc then???
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Oh my God.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
this is so top tier i cant
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.