The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
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[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.