[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
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I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Fights fire with marshmallows
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.