Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
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Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.