When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
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My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
sistine chapel
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.