You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
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Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Ion see the issue
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Bring back the McRib
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat