Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
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Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
🙋♀️
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order