Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
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Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Self-cleaning conscience