Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
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Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas