Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
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Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.