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(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.