Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
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Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
This is amazing.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.