Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
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So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone