It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
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You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly