*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
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[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
same vibe as tangled headphones
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994