You Might Also Like
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017