My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
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Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
LMAO.
This is what makes twitter great
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father