Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
You Might Also Like
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.