“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
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Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
And that about sums it up.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
rapatouille
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.