When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
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*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya