They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
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wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Well, shit
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for