My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
You Might Also Like
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
The two types of wives
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*