[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
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A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email