[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
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I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
SF is the wild wild west man
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Hey Fugeddaboutit
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.