most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
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You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”