One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
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{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet