Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
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Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.