According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
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6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.