Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
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A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.