My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
You Might Also Like
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.