Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
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I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Personal question. #JustSaying
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
happy friday
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.