My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
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Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Love it! 👍😂
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
oh good, now I can stop drinking
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.