DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Favourite diary entry ever
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.