My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
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Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me