It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
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peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Something Saturday.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…