DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
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which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.