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recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.