My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
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Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
how high up are we talkin’?