I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Y’all ready for this
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.