had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
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interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!