[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
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I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”