I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
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I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head