Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
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what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain