Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
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Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.