It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
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Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Story of my life…..
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I’d love this…lol
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.