I can鈥檛 stop watching this video 馃槀馃槀馃槀
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My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Kid鈥檚 tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I鈥檝e got fast-food in my hand and I鈥檓 not afraid to give it my full attention.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i鈥檒l be running to in a home invasion
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
A short story of betrayal:
I have a divorce case where I鈥檓 seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
notice
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it鈥檚 boiled