The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
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This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Feel. He’s so soft.